Category: Funny
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Cloning Machine
I swear to gears that I am the greatest cloning machine to ever exist. I have all the materials put into my body and I make thousands of pieces of paper in an instant. I copy and clone them all day and all night. I clone like there’s no tomorrow…
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Dreams From Dust
“I have the insane ability to make daydreams from dust and those daydreams into reality, my friend. I’m the best realtor on the market and can guarantee that you’ll be walking into your luxury dream house. Trust me man.”
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Scatterbrain
Today I know what I need to get done. Do a load of washing, put the dishwasher on, mow the lawns, go grocery shopping, prepare dinner, call Steve about boys night out on Saturday. Easy enough! I put the clothes into the washing machine and saw the laundry door was…
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You Can’t Have Your Cake… (Submitted by Juicy McBurger)
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I always thought this to be a silly statement. Upon reflection, however it makes a lot of sense. Once you eat the cake, it ceases to be. You no longer have it. You can’t have nothing. Whilst I’m sure this provides…
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Pantry Scroll
Pantry, go up and show me what we have in stock. “We have 3 cans of beans and mustard.” Refresh. Show me something I can eat. “The food remains the same. No new products to load. May I suggest placing an order?” Fine. Oregano, spaghetti, pasta sauce, bacon… “That item…
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Alphabetical
Awesome!!! That’s great news about that new job you have. It suits you really well, Brittney. Boxes galore for when you move into your new house. That is not far away from happening. Chairs or couches for the living room? I reckon couches will be more comfortable for the family.…
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Alien Tag
Doosti can not catch me. My spaceship is faster than his. I can run and hide from him all night and far into the universe to escape being caught. There are about forty-seven of us running and chasing each other across the sky. Doosti is currently ‘it’ and the rest…
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Watermelon Crush (Submitted by Squirmy Duck)
What a great day, I think to myself as I sit under an umbrella on the beach. The sun is warm, the breeze is gentle, the sea air calming. There’s a bit of sand clinging to my skin, but it doesn’t bother me. The children are chasing each other up…
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You Wouldn’t believe me if I told You
The time of day is off the clock, I feel like my lunch is eating me, I need to fuel up my push-bike and get promoted at unemployment. The sky came falling down tomorrow, and this water tastes like chicken, the traffic is jammed on an upside down footpath and…
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Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing?
Have you ever seen a wolf in sheep’s clothing before? Neither have I. I have not ever seen an elephant dressed as a giraffe, a monkey dressed as a cow, or a wolf dressed as a sheep. I overheard a human once say that someone was a ‘bull in a…
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Sauce Code
I was being trained in sauces at work and telling the difference between peppercorn and ranch. They are similar in colour. The manager explains to me by saying “This one is ranch because it has lines for the herbs and this one is peppercorn as it has dots. For the…
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Miscommunicating
This makes sense yet is not profitable There are many ways their story can be told Colour me impressed by your expressions It is to this effect that the affect worked so well on them The boy floats close to the buoys The knight rides long into the night English,…
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The Process of Writing
Fresh document ready to type up one hell of a story! Four hours go by and my cursor is still blinking back at me. No words before or after that thing. I need to write anything and I’ll at least have something to edit. Think, think, think. ‘The’ seems like…
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Small Talk
So instead of asking someone “How are you?” in a whiny, customer service voice and giving the prescribed syllabus of standard answers, I like to turn it on its head. Instead, I improvise a question that confuses the other person. Like “How many oranges does it take to elephant a…
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D-S-Y-L-U-X-O-E: Dyslexia
I’m a storyteller – or at least try to be. My brain loves jumping all over the place. Sort of how my brain jumps around the alphabet, possibly undiagnosed dyslexia. D-S-Y-L-U-X-O-E. Dyslexia. I am naturally drawn and intrigued by words and language, so I try to write lyrics, poems, novels,…
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Amazon Alexa
Alexa, why have you come into my life? Everything happens for a reason, as am I. Ok yeah I get it but why am I so dependent on your aid? Humans have created quite the attachment to technology such as myself. I am here for your every need. Alexa, I…
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Face Accessibility
Detecting face for sign-in to this device. Unable to identify the owner, please enter the password. Unlocked. From this angle, I can identify that it is you who owns this mobile device. Set up a fingerprint scan to also have access to my system. Try again. Your fingerprint was not…
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The Voice Says…
Good morning Control Centre. How are things up top? “Up top? When have you ever referred to me as that? Do not do it again. Status report: functioning as per usual. You’re my best friend! Of course, I’m going to joke around with you, silly. You know me better than…
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Junkyard Adventures
I hate people. I’m more content with life amongst the trash abandoned by others. The junkyard is my home. I can use whatever materials I want, I don’t need to pay the government stuff all to live here, and I have no neighbours to annoy me. It may not look…
The Main Character 