The Main Character

Looking back on life I have a lot of regrets. I never thought I would die with regrets. I even regret dying with regrets.

I lost all the people I love and that loved me back.

I wish I told more people how much I appreciated them being in my life. I wish I got outside my comfort zone and travelled the globe. I wish I valued my time on the Earth while I still had the chance. I wish I made more happy memories and I wish I got to spend more quality time with the people in my life.

I wish I was not mourning myself in the same fashion that I know my family and friends are over my corpse.

I know the social culture around funerals and the mourning process, even though I lack my own firsthand experience of loosing someone myself. I know they will bring flowers to lay across the mound I lay beneath.

I am mourning a part of myself I never shared with the world and the world is mourning the parts that they perceived and what I showed them. We are mourning completely different people. I never thought that my funeral would divide people as much as it has now. Who would have thought that death would not just create a physical distance from myself and the people in my life but would also create a distance from myself emotionally, or what remains of that humanistic characteristic.

My breathing would have been accelerated and my blood would have been pumping rapidly, usually. Not anymore. I have entered a life beyond everything I’ve ever known, however it is an empty reality. I exist but I can’t feel or experience anything like I used to.

The silence floods me as I become acutely aware of the stillness. The stillness that sits within myself and the silence in my external environment. The silence that keeps me reflecting on my many years alive and with a purpose on planet Earth.